Jimmy Greene has now lived with grief longer than his daughter lived.
鈥淭here鈥檚 a saying in our culture that time heals all wounds,鈥� Greene said. 鈥淚 wouldn鈥檛 say that鈥檚 true in my case.鈥�
鈥淚 would say that over time, I鈥檝e become more familiar with the grief,鈥� Greene said. 鈥淚鈥檓 able to manage it a bit more.鈥�
Ana Grace M谩rquez-Greene was one of 20 children and six educators killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School on Dec. 14, 2012.
鈥淲henever I think of my daughter, I just think of how loving she was, how much joy she carried in her and how much joy she reflected back out to the world,鈥� Greene said.
The pain of losing a loved one doesn鈥檛 go away in 10 years.
Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, an associate professor at Arizona State University鈥檚 School of Social Work, said catastrophic loss leads to an enduring grief.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 think it gets easier,鈥� Cacciatore said. 鈥淎s we learn to carry it, as we learn to build some psychological and emotional muscle, I don鈥檛 know [that] the weight changes, but we change in response 鈥� and our psychological and emotional muscles grow stronger.鈥�
Greene said that Ana loved music and that she loved to dance and sing.
She got her love of music from both of her parents. Her mother, Nelba, played the flute. Jimmy plays the saxophone, leads the Jimmy Greene Quartet and is a recording artist.
鈥淎s a composer, I鈥檝e written dozens and dozens of songs,鈥� Greene said.
He鈥檚 produced two albums in his daughter鈥檚 memory 鈥� 鈥淏eautiful Life鈥� and 鈥淔lowers: Beautiful Life Volume II.鈥� 鈥淏eautiful Life鈥� was nominated for two Grammy awards.
鈥淭he process of making music is quite a beautiful one. In crafting these albums in Ana鈥檚 memory, there were a lot of tears.鈥� Greene said.
鈥淭here鈥檚 a lot of reflection. There鈥檚 a lot of memories. There鈥檚 a lot of anger,鈥� Greene said. But ultimately, there鈥檚 a lot of love and there鈥檚 a lot of joy and there鈥檚 a lot of gratefulness.
鈥淕rateful that God chose to give us this beautiful little girl. And even though we only had her for six and a half years, our lives are so much better having known her and having had her in our home for that bit of time.鈥�
Living with grief
Greene said music isn鈥檛 necessarily an outlet for his grief. He looks at making and playing music as more of a way to express his feelings in the best way he knows how.
鈥淲hen someone is grieving, when someone is going through a tragic loss 鈥� as I have 鈥� it鈥檚 necessary to find every way possible to express that,鈥� Greene said.
鈥淢usic is one of the ways in which I express how I鈥檓 feeling. That鈥檚 my job as an artist. To express my reality 鈥� or my life.鈥�
He does credit faith leaders and mental health professionals with helping him, his wife, Nelba, and his son Isaiah make it through these past 10 years.
Cacciatore, the grief counselor who works at Arizona State, knows catastrophic loss too. Her daughter Cheyenne died in 1994.
鈥淚 call it the presence of her absence. It鈥檚 still there,鈥� Cacciatore said.
鈥淚t鈥檒l be there until I鈥檓 not here anymore.鈥�
Cacciatore said one way for grievers to manage how they鈥檙e feeling is to make grief a friend and not an enemy. But, she said, a person may need help to do that.
鈥淲e have to have a really good social support system because it鈥檚 so terrifying and it鈥檚 so overwhelming,鈥� Cacciatore said. 鈥淢aybe we need good clinical support from a really, really, really, really well-trained counselor or therapist.鈥�
Cacciatore and Greene represent primary grievers. Cacciatore interviewed to learn more about what sort of social support was available after the loss of their loved ones. The work received funding from the nonprofit , which was created in memory of another child killed at Sandy Hook to help bereaved families.
One finding in Cacciatore鈥檚 study was that the needs of parents who lost children weren鈥檛 adequately addressed by the larger community around them, which she said further revictimized primary grievers.
She said society should defer to primary grievers, particularly parents who鈥檝e lost children.
鈥淭here鈥檚 not a single day when a parent who loses a child doesn鈥檛 get out of bed in the morning and have to face this loss,鈥� Cacciatore said.
Jimmy Greene and Dr. Joanne Cacciatore spoke with 黑料吃瓜网 for 鈥�,鈥� which airs on 黑料吃瓜网 and streams at CTPublic.org on Wednesday, Dec. 14, at 8 p.m.
This story has been updated.
